Constantly thinking
Friday, April 6, 2012
I spend most of my time thinking, like every time I am not asleep, as long as I am awake, I am constantly thinking.
And the result of all those thinking led to so many things I discovered. I discovered that all these while, the 5 years we had with each other. Whenever people asked if I love him, I would say that Love is such a big word to use. Instead, I would say that I have very strong feelings for him or in Malay, I sayang him so much but not to the extent of cinta (love).
The reason why the relationship we had was so carefree, too carefree that sometimes it doesnt seem like we were together was because I didnt want to be too attached to him because if lets say one day if we were to separate I wont be devastated and be so depressed. I wanted to be able to manage if that day comes where we have to separate.
Apart from that, I wanted to keep my options open, I wanted to still meet and get to know other guys but at the same time I still want to be with him. And when we went separate ways and I have the chance to get to know other guys and there were other guys who wanted to get to know me and that was where I realised that I have loved him all along but I just didnt want to admit it. Although I didnt want to commit fully initially, I was already in love with him and when I was genuinely starting to want to fully commit in the relationship and to really convince my parents that he was the one, that is the part where we had to go our separate ways.
Another thing I discovered, our separation wasnt because we no longer loved each other. The first one (2010) was because I thought that he wasnt the right one and this current one (2011) was because we are too occupied with our own commitments that we might end up neglecting each other. It would be easier to let go and move on if the separation we had was because we no longer loved each other but the thing is, this separation is never based on that. We still love each other, or at least I still do and because of the love that we still have or I have makes it very challenging and tougher for me to let go and move on.
As I was reading my previous blog posts from a few years back, to be specific, 21 January 2009 (3 years ago), I saw this poem made beautifully by him: "I wrote your name on the sand, but the sea wash it away. I wrote your name on a piece of paper, but they threw it away. So I write your name in my heart, and there it will stay.." :')
I am struggling but still trying to manage this phase how will I manage the next phase where he has found someone else in his life to replace me?
I am not saying that I wont be happy for him because I know I will. But we are just human, seeing the person you love be with someone else other than yourself, it's normal that you will feel the pinch.
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