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UNFLINCHING OPTIMISM (:

Mademoiselle

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An optimist-realist. You can never easily bring down my unflinching optimism (:

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You were the best I ever had.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
It has been 29 days. Slightly better than the initial phase but as and when it still comes back, at night during the time when it's time to go to sleep and when listening to songs that reminds me of you. I never thought it would be this difficult, I mean I know it will be difficult I just didnt think the intensity of it can be this overwhelming.

The relationship we had for 5 years, was very simple and carefree that I didnt think it would really have its toll on me. As much as 5 years is quite a long time, there were many many good memories, good and bad times which we have learnt to handle and overcome it together.

We have grown to be so comfortable with each other. Yes it has been 29 days but there hasnt been a day that I dont think about you. When Im in the bus on the way to work, I think about you. When I gym and run on the thread mill, I think about you. When I take in between breaks during work, I think about you. When I go home from work in the bus, I think about you. When I go out with my family, in the car I think about you. When I go out with my friends, on the way home I think about you. And when it's night time and it's time to sleep, that is when I think about you the most. On some nights, I'll think about you till I fall asleep but on some nights I cry and cry and cry thinking back of everything we had during the 5 years knowing that I wont be able to experience al this with you any more. I know I always put up a tough front, how positive I am and how I see this separation as a positive thing too. But I'm just human, as positive as I can be there are times where I cant help it.

Sometimes I will think back of the plans that we have planned out for the future, how we want to get married with each other and build a family. But as always, we can plan but Allah will determine it. Sometimes I try to think of the bad things about you just so that I can move on easily but Im not the kind to think bad things in order to move on. Sometimes I wonder are you thinking about me as well, are you missing me like crazy like how Im missing you, how I will always hug the pillow and imagine that it's you. Sometimes I wonder if you have found someone, a rebound to move on and forget about me. Sometimes I wonder if you feel like texting and calling me and saying "I miss you so much and I still love you and I want you back in my life" but the likelihood of that happening is too low because I have a feeling this will never happen. You know how I am the kind of person who doesnt use the word "never" but for this, that is just how I feel.

I doubt you will even read this blog of mine anymore, in fact I think the last time you read was a few years back. But if you happen to read, I am missing you very very very much, I cannot describe how I am grieving and hurting in order to heal. I wonder what I will do if I were to bump into you. I will definitely want to run up to you and probably hug you so tight and never let go but then again, who am I now to you. You might not reply to this because I know you dont want to give me hope. You dont have to reply if you dont want to because I just want you to listen to me out. As much as I know I have written you a long farewell message previously, I cant help but to type this out. 29 days, sounds like time has passed fast but no it hasnt, I feel like time is passing slowly. I miss the times we were together and there is no way to forget you but I know all that will never come back again but thank you for the love that you have given all these while. I'll struggle, cry and breakdown at times but I know I will stand back on my feet.

Knowing you, spending time with you, loving you and missing you is never a mistake, is never a thing that I regret. I can never forget how you smile, laugh, joke, hug and kiss me even if I try so hard to. You were the best I ever had, NorFazli.